Taking Risks

Today I felt like I was especially "called out" by our in class discussion of risk taking and vulnerability so I thought I would share part of what I wrote for the in class exercise and elaborate on it here. For the last prompt: What is a Risk I Want to Take This Year, I immediately knew the risk, and my stomach started churning just thinking about it, yet again, this year. 

A risk that I want to take this year is that I want to apply to a professional circus school and make circus the focus of my life. It is difficult because I know circus is not perceived as a profitable profession. I face a lot of judgement from my family and peers saying that pursuing circus is not a worthwhile use of time. My older sister asked me “What is more important, going to circus or pursuing your degree?” And I told her they were equally important but she didn’t understand. I worry that I am not advanced enough to get into a professional training program since all of them require an audition of skills. And I worry that I have so much self worth tied to a traditional degree that I will feel like if I quit to pursue circus, I’m letting myself down with a goal of getting my Bachelor's. It is difficult because I want both things, but putting time and effort into a traditional college degree detracts from time I could be training circus and vise versa. I have made a goal to finish out the semester, but I’m truly not sure where I will go from there. 

Main worries about pursing circus 

1. Getting into debt from a professional training program without a guarantee of making money once I graduate 
2. Failing to get into a professional training program because I don't have adequate enough skills to pass the audition
3. Fear of judgment from others
4. Fear of "losing my chance" at a traditional college degree if I don't pursue it right now
5. Fear of instability in life from choosing a less traditional path

Main worries about sticking with my Bachelor's in Digital Design

1. Missing my window to pursue circus since I won't be fit and able to do it my whole life
2. Feeling like I will be happy in this degree but I won't have chased my actual dreams
3. Feeling like I'm "lying to myself" about how much I actually like this degree (trying to convince myself it's what I really want?)
4. Feeling like I'm saying no to my passion in order to pursue what people expect of me.

To tackle this fear and the risk of jumping into a big move like quitting college and applying to circus school, I've thought about taking some smaller simple steps. 

1. Try to balance everything. Continue with the Bachelor's part time, train circus as much as possible.
2. Focus especially on training circus during the summer when there is no school.
3. Attend circus intensives over the summer. These are targeted intensive training sessions, but don't last as long or require putting the Bachelor's on hold like full time circus school would.
4. Work towards tangible goals for auditioning into circus school. I printed a list of the required skills for the audition at a circus school in Colorado and I've been working on conditioning these skills every day so that I can apply without fear of not being good enough.
5. Take opportunities to dance and flow more. Go to open gyms to condition and rent studio time to practice without fear of judgment so that being vulnerable when I share my dance is not as scary after practicing.
6. Remember all the aspects of circus that having this specific Bachelor's Degree will also help with: More financial stability for taking classes and workshops, possibility of remote work to be able to train anywhere in the world.
7. Apply to professional circus school after I graduate with my Bachelor's. (I worry that will be too late though).

I've been dealing with this struggle a lot this year. How much of a risk is a good and calculated risk and how much is actually just a bad decision?